The very first time I took it, alcohol and whatnot were already inside my system, filling my blood, my flesh, and my tummy. A lot of things, both good and bad, happened to me that night as well but what can I say? I was with my friends, my debate-mates. The night before, I was out with them as well and yes, we drank, we smoked, we had fun.
The very first time I took it, it was already early morn and I didn't even bother to follow my doctor's instruction. He told me to take it between 0800pm and 0900pm after or before a glass of warm milk. So, yes, I took it the wrong way. I was so stupid that I didn't even bother to check the details about the pill but all I know is that it's going to be my savior from that very moment on. I clearly didn't even know that you're not supposed to take one if your body is filled with alcohol, nicotine, and well, a bit of a certain drug which I clearly believe is very medicinal even though it is purely illegal here in the Philippines.
The following nights went out well, I was able to sleep but then I would eventually wake up at around 0100am to 0200 am and so, I went to my doctor and he increased the dosage which seemed to work but had its side effects. Dizziness, nausea, and headache would fill my body and for sure, if I take it any more longer, I'll become drug dependent and there's no way one could stop me from taking it. I was fine with it. The very reason that I decided to go to the doctor is because my insomnia and anxiety have barricaded and disrupted my education. I missed a lot of classes and my re-entry forms were all unexcused. So there was no other way that I can fix myself up but take the wonderful pill.
The pill was a bugger and an angel at the same time. Why a bugger? Because it stopped and shut down my mind. I can no longer think once I took it. I can no longer stay up and read once I took it. I can no longer stay out and smoke all throughout the dark night and do the things that I usually do. An angel it is for it can make me sleep when it is very hard to do so. I can take a break from thinking, from confusing my own self even more without realizing that it's already dawn.
The doctor only allowed me ten tablets of the pill and I had to deal with it. As the nights went on, the pills dissolved each day until one night, two pills were only left. On the night of the second to the last tablet, I was in a very bad mood. I was confused, I was depressed to my bones. That night I went out to my smoking area: the parking lot. I sat there, looking at the night sky above, looking at the trees and chilled by the cold December air. It started drizzling and I watched the rain as it decreased until eventually the sky stopped crying, which was across me with fascination from the only lamp post across me, illuminating the parking lot. Sad indie songs filled my ears from my playlist and I had no one to talk to, I had no company except for my cigarette sticks, which I named as Black.
It's not that I was complaining that night. I was just happy that I felt sad. It can make me think whatever the hell I want to think about. All my frustrations, all my hopes, and all the things that I wish would happen to me. I welcomed every single thought that would come speeding at the sound of light inside my head. I entertained them, feeling the pain seep right through my skin and lounged itself right through my heart and mind. I cared not for it but I was happy that I was depressed once again. Don't think of this the wrong way. Sometimes, it's healthy to be in anxiety. Sometimes, it's a good thing to be depressed once in a while on a blue moon.
As I way saying, a lot of things were bombarding and filling my head. I immersed myself with the idea and came up with a lot of things that were far from reality. It was one of my guilty pleasures in life. I had an outburst which I had no way to vent it and decided to hit the sack. I went back to my room and took the pill with my laptop on. After a few moments, I started to feel its effect kicking in my system. I decided to fight it, thinking that I can. I started to get "high" and was in a desperation mode that I need the feel of taking one more 10mg tablet. I started to chat random people, which I found out that it was embarrassing for me the next day when I woke up. Anyway, as I was chatting these random people, I started asking them if it's okay to take one more pill. I'm sure they had no idea what I was talking about but that night, I didn't just care and as what I have mentioned a while ago, I was feeling so desperate was a little high.
One told me one pill is enough, so did the other but the one had no idea and wished he can take pills like that as well. I went to the loo, walking funny like a drunk person, and felt like everything was moving as if there was an earthquake or something. I found my bed and crashed. The next night, I took my very last pill but before that, I was so giddy and in the state of euphoria which is one of the side effects caused by the pill. I decided to let go and slammed my eyes shut and it took me away from reality.
My neurology doctor prescribed me another drug and learning from my previous mistake, I decided to take a look at what the drug was all about. It was not a sleeping pill which surprised me but it was a drug to prevent panic attacks and anxiety. I was confused and I started to think why my doctor prescribed me this new drug which he provided three notes for the pharmacy to keep it. There are certain drugs that you can't just buy over-the-counter. Then it hit me. I remembered telling him that I had a history with a shrink. I used to go to a shrink who prescribed me three drugs: anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, and a neutralizer. I told him about my over-thinking problems and habits so I guess that was the reason that made him conclude that the reason why I can't sleep is because I think to much. What can I do? I like thinking even though I would always end up feeling confused and all. Maybe my doctor did the right thing even if my mold told me otherwise.
On the first night of my new pill, I was quite hesitant to take it for doubts filled me. I'm not some kind of a psycho, I'm still normal. It's just that I'm independent, I think a lot and my views on certain things are far from the views of other people around me. My lifestyle and my persona is different as well. I'm not bragging about anything nor I won't say that I am so beyond other people. So I was in my bed, lights all out, air-conditioning humming, earphones stuck on my ears, and an eye-blind blocking my eyesight. At first, as the pill was starting to seep in, my mind went blank. I tried to think but then would I would end up thinking another then my mind was taking control over me, making me think funny things and other thoughts that I knew nothing of. Until I blacked out and well, before I knew it, I was asleep until my alarm clock woke me up with my head hammering like mad. But on the other side, the one of the best feelings that I have experienced is when the pill would start to work even though it made me feel very uncomfortable. It's like I'm in a state that words are not enough to express it. Like Nirvana or something. It was like I'm in a state of a transcendental trance of something.
Now, I'll probably just find a way to deal with this and get a life. I hate it when people would tell me what to do. I'm old enough to think and make decisions on my own no matter how good or bad they may be. I'm aware of the circumstances that I will soon have to face and I know what I'm doing: I am living my life.
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