A Human Mind

I want to acknowledge the fact that I want to push all the people away from me. This might be an understatement but what I mean is: not all of them, no. Just the others whom I mainly consider as mere acquaintances and whatnot. I must say, with hesitation, that I may have a bit of an anti social and introvert nature, believing that if I push them all away from me, they will cause me no harm and I cannot cause them any harm. Do not even try and start me with the no man is an island crap. I am aware that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone most of the time, seeing it as one of the factors that in the end transfuses the air and truth of independence.

I believe and the world holds further proof that I am not the only one, in this breathing lone planet, who is suffering from whatever it is that I am suffering right now. Vague as I may be, I don not want to hide my fault in this matter. The fault of having a limited vocabulary, which enables me to explain things, thoughts, and ideas without complete clarity and without confusing the human mind.   

Speaking of the human mind, it is one big complicated thing and thus, it must be handled with accuracy, preciseness, and will. Although these three methods might quite sound contradictory to the fact that "will" drives the mind to change so very often. Thus, this defeats the purpose of accuracy and preciseness but as my logic tells me, these three factors, which builds the human mind are also the very same factors that will break it.

Human emotion is confusing even more than the mind as it sounds. Emotion is a vital factor that drives the person to live and to act as long as the mind bids it and as long as it can handle the very soul of the emotion, no emotion will barricade the pleasures of human life. Feeling is important for it goes before thinking.

Going back, I am obliged to reason out my motive of pushing people away from me. It is not because I think of myself as someone superior and beyond them nor I am someone who is lowly down under them. I actually feel neutral with my own personal faults and prejudices but that's what makes me who I am and I feel equal to them without the need of comprehension.

I hate to say this but like what people say, love yourself so you can love the others around you as well and I guess that is what I am doing right now: experimenting my own self through emotional and intellectual methods, as well as scientifically. I know because of this some people may think of me as nothing but a fool, nothing but a stupid girl wasting her time. I am not sure how long I can keep up with this play of the human mind with the intention of hurting myself emotionally.

I do not want to get started with the psychological reasons of inflicting myself with pain for what I am doing is not even physical except only for depriving myself of sleep but I am doing this for my own good and out from my own accepted will. Everything has a reason that is why the human body is structured the way it is. The legs to walk, the hands to move, the chest to cover the basic property of allowing air to flow simultaneously in and out of your body, the heart to pump the fluid that fuels the very life and the head to shelter the main operational and monitoring office of a human individual.

There is a reason why the head sits above the heart. We, as rational beings, must think before we act even on an impulse so that we can maintain  being moral and reasonable. With this truth, I hold this as the very foundation of why I am doing so. I am taking the wheel to drive, taking the reins to show that I am the one who is in command, not somebody else and clearly not anything else.

I can think of a lot of things that can pain and hurt me emotionally and through the power of the human mind, I can allow the pain in without feeling anything except calmness and satisfaction, bliss and serenity. But then, that would defeat the purpose and definition of why pain exists at all. Not that it does not completely matter to me but this time, I will no longer yield to surrender in this battle even though I might plan to run away as a form of jesting directed to my own self.

Forgive me if I am not endowed with the gift of humor which, if I would try to do humor the people around me, it would just sound and end up in a very sarcastic form. Being sarcastic is one of the joys that I experience and hold and I must say that I am pretty good at it, learning from the novels that I have read and so on.  I cannot say that my Muse is not present at this very moment but she have left some of the things wherever she lives and those things, I daresay, holds some important matters that I may want to discuss and explain. I am glad or should I say pleased that I am not in the mood for bluntness and cuss words at this very moment. I do not want to make people think that I am an ignorant, foolish, and insensitive persons for in truth, I am very far from those attributes.

If I will dig deep down in this matter, I might get lost out of this reserved state that I am in now and I  ifam unleashed, trouble must thus be expected. Having and living a quiet life is a joy that I posses and no one with any amount of power can take it away from me. I need not to be driven by a certain being called God to know my very purpose in this planet. All I know is that I am someone who interacts with all that exists in this planetary sphere.

"GNOTHI SEAUTON"

Sleeping Pills and Whatnot

The very first time I took it, alcohol and whatnot were already inside my system, filling my blood, my flesh, and my tummy. A lot of things, both good and bad, happened to me that night as well but what can I say? I was with my friends, my debate-mates. The night before, I was out with them as well and yes, we drank, we smoked, we had fun.

The very first time I took it, it was already early morn and I didn't even bother to follow my doctor's instruction. He told me to take it between 0800pm and 0900pm after or before a glass of warm milk. So, yes, I took it the wrong way. I was so stupid that I didn't even bother to check the details about the pill but all I know is that it's going to be my savior from that very moment on. I clearly didn't even know that you're not supposed to take one if your body is filled with alcohol, nicotine, and well, a bit of a certain drug which I clearly believe is very medicinal even though it is purely illegal here in the Philippines.

The following nights went out well, I was able to sleep but then I would eventually wake up at around 0100am to 0200 am and so, I went to my doctor and he increased the dosage which seemed to work but had its side effects. Dizziness, nausea, and headache would fill my body and for sure, if I take it any more longer, I'll become drug dependent and there's no way one could stop me from taking it. I was fine with it. The very reason that I decided to go to the doctor is because my insomnia and anxiety have barricaded and disrupted my education. I missed a lot of classes and my re-entry forms were all unexcused. So there was no other way that I can fix myself up but take the wonderful pill.

The pill was a bugger and an angel at the same time. Why a bugger? Because it stopped and shut down my mind. I can no longer think once I took it. I can no longer stay up and read once I took it. I can no longer stay out and smoke all throughout the dark night and do the things that I usually do. An angel it is for it can make me sleep when it is very hard to do so. I can take a break from thinking, from confusing my own self even more without realizing that it's already dawn.

The doctor only allowed me ten tablets of the pill and I had to deal with it. As the nights went on, the pills dissolved each day until one night, two pills were only left. On the night of the second to the last tablet, I was in a very bad mood. I was confused, I was depressed to my bones. That night I went out to my smoking area: the parking lot. I sat there, looking at the night sky above, looking at the trees and chilled by the cold December air. It started drizzling and I watched the rain as it decreased until eventually the sky stopped crying, which was across me with fascination from the only lamp post across me, illuminating the parking lot. Sad indie songs filled my ears from my playlist and I had no one to talk to, I had no company except for my cigarette sticks, which I named as Black.

It's not that I was complaining that night. I was just happy that I felt sad. It can make me think whatever the hell I want to think about. All my frustrations, all my hopes, and all the things that I wish would happen to me. I welcomed every single thought that would come speeding at the sound of light inside my head. I entertained them, feeling the pain seep right through my skin and lounged itself right through my heart and mind. I cared not for it but I was happy that I was depressed once again. Don't think of this the wrong way. Sometimes, it's healthy to be in anxiety. Sometimes, it's a good thing to be depressed once in a while on a blue moon. 

As I way saying, a lot of things were bombarding and filling my head. I immersed myself with the idea and came up with a lot of things that were far from reality. It was one of my guilty pleasures in life. I had an outburst which I had no way to vent it and decided to hit the sack. I went back to my room and took the pill with my laptop on. After a few moments, I started to feel its effect kicking in my system. I decided to fight it, thinking that I can. I started to get "high" and was in a desperation mode that I need the feel of taking one more 10mg tablet. I started to chat random people, which I found out that it was embarrassing for me the next day when I woke up. Anyway, as I was chatting these random people, I started asking them if it's okay to take one more pill. I'm sure they had no idea what I was talking about but that night, I didn't just care and as what I have mentioned a while ago, I was feeling so desperate was a little high.

One told me one pill is enough, so did the other but the one had no idea and wished he can take pills like that as well. I went to the loo, walking funny like a drunk person, and felt like everything was moving as if there was an earthquake or something. I found my bed and crashed. The next night, I took my very last pill but before that, I was so giddy and in the state of euphoria which is one of the side effects caused by the pill. I decided to let go and slammed my eyes shut and it took me away from reality.

My neurology doctor prescribed me another drug and learning from my previous mistake, I decided to take a look at what the drug was all about. It was not a sleeping pill which surprised me but it was a drug to prevent panic attacks and anxiety. I was confused and I started to think why my doctor prescribed me this new drug which he provided three notes for the pharmacy to keep it. There are certain drugs that you can't just buy over-the-counter. Then it hit me. I remembered telling him that I had a history with a shrink. I used to go to a shrink who prescribed me three drugs: anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, and a neutralizer. I told him about my over-thinking problems and habits so I guess that was the reason that made him conclude that the reason why I can't sleep is because I think to much. What can I do? I like thinking even though I would always end up feeling confused and all. Maybe my doctor did the right thing even if my mold told me otherwise.

On the first night of my new pill, I was quite hesitant to take it for doubts filled me. I'm not some kind of a psycho, I'm still normal. It's just that I'm independent, I think a lot and my views on certain things are far from the views of other people around me. My lifestyle and my persona is different as well. I'm not bragging about anything nor I won't say that I am so beyond other people. So I was in my bed, lights all out, air-conditioning humming, earphones stuck on my ears, and an eye-blind blocking my eyesight. At first, as the pill was starting to seep in, my mind went blank. I tried to think but then would I would end up thinking another then my mind was taking control over me, making me think funny things and other thoughts that I knew nothing of. Until I blacked out and well, before I knew it, I was asleep until my alarm clock woke me up with my head hammering like mad. But on the other side, the one of the best feelings that I have experienced is when the pill would start to work even though it made me feel very uncomfortable. It's like I'm in a state that words are not enough to express it. Like Nirvana or something. It was like I'm in a state of a transcendental trance of something.

Now, I'll probably just find a way to deal with this and get a life. I hate it when people would tell me what to do. I'm old enough to think and make decisions on my own no matter how good or bad they may be. I'm aware of the circumstances that I will soon have to face and I know what I'm doing: I am living my life.

I Am A Slave

I am a slave.
A slave, by my own choice, driven by my own free will.
I am a slave.
Neither white nor black, but brown skinned, body ripening in youth.
I am slave.
Not paid, not commanded what to do or where to go.
I am a slave.
And this fact, I embraced without a doubt, with welcoming arms and a smile on my face.

The only Master I know and serve, lies within me. I have pledged my loyalty and life to Her. I will serve Her until Death strikes me black. Who She is, what She is, is clear. She's my Emotion. 

She lurks inside me, flowing freely inside my body, residing in my bones, pumping me my blood. She is the Shadow that follows my every more, the Words that come out of my mouth, the Thoughts that formulate inside my head. She is my Master and forever will I be Her slave.

I know it should be the other way around and I should be the Master. It should be that I am driving the chariot, holding the rein that keeps them in line, them horses. I should be the one who is navigating what road to take, how fast to go but no, I yielded like a Knight who has no honor. I had to let go and now they're in control, going to places I have never thought of going, meeting other whom I knew nothing of. Lost in this big sea of strangers, I lived with the flow, respecting my one and true Master.

**

I have been living the life of a hypocrite and now, I shall acknowledge it as I have failed to do so long ago. I have allowed myself to be tied up in shackles and I bolted myself in a dark and small cell, enslaving my own self to which, I gave the full power of command and taking over to my emotions which has then I considered as my master. I know what I am doing is wrong, and I know that it is supposed to be the other way around, me holding up the rein, striding gallant on the chariot, driving the horses that each have represented each and every emotion that I know of but it seems to me that I have given up the rein, threw them away, discarded and lying abandonally on the dirt road miles and miles behind me. I have given up my position as the warrior, the lady, and the navigator, idling lazily on the now worn chariot letting the horses go gallop and trot to whichever place that they want to go, not minding if the pace was too slow or too quick for me to comprehend, this I will repeat until I get to my point of being the one who's driven by the horses. Like what they always say, emotions are wild horses.

My belief lies on the books that I have read. My view in life, my motto, and all those sentimental perspective on things. I borrowed them, agreed to them but never conceded. To be honest, I didn't understand them at all but I would just underline them all, ponder about it for a little while then more towards the rest of the book. Dim witted, not smart, a person that I am. Ignorant beyond no doubt and with a tongue bluntly sharp but cannot poke enough to make you bleed and feel pain like a needle. I am nothing but sorrow, nothing but pain and confusion.

Perhaps I may be over reacting, you who doesn't? Touche, I'll say and I will give the toast to all those who are like me, hypocrites, damn us all. They say every being is a unique individual, going through their puberty and saying things like, “don't compare me, I'm not like the others.”, “I'm a different person and I don't give a damn to what people say.”, “I know what I'm doing and I know the consequence that I will have to face soon.”, “I'm unique! No one will ever understand me. No one ever does!”, BLAH.

This is a hard thing for me to go through, writing this all down with honesty as my mind says otherwise. A facade, as you may, I have planned and made and I promised myself to remain on guard and not let people come near me but I, for instance, have defeated the purpose of the wearing of masks, facades, a Truthful Masquerade as you might put it, a play of irony and sarcasm and these are the only things I'm good at. Not to brag about it but think of me as an arrogant person, but I have to say that I am completely proud of it. Ego, yes. Pride, yes. Call me names if you wish, nothing can stop me, no one can stop me, you, of all people, cannot and won't be able to stop me.

Let's just say that people change, given as a universal law, the only thing that is constant is change. Even the world changes, the people within it, even its physical aspect. The whole universe is bound to change whether we like it or not. We have to accept the fact that change is everywhere, change is the air we breathe, change is what we eat that fuels our every single identity. I change, too and I believe I instigated a foundation of a new change within me. People always say that we change for the better, but I really doubt it this time with me. This change will do me no good yet I want to accept it with my whole heart. This is my own prerogative, my own choice for a change and I will do nothing to stop it, I will do anything to keep myself away from not changing.

The consequence that I will soon have to face might not be good. It will twist my mind and turn me even more bitter and indifferent but I just don't care anymore. I have been focusing too much in analyzing and logically comparing and drawing out examples through endless cliches from around the world but nonetheless, I like doing it though. I'm not exactly planning to change for the better, to reach out to be happy. I'm done with it already and I have given up.