I Am A Slave

I am a slave.
A slave, by my own choice, driven by my own free will.
I am a slave.
Neither white nor black, but brown skinned, body ripening in youth.
I am slave.
Not paid, not commanded what to do or where to go.
I am a slave.
And this fact, I embraced without a doubt, with welcoming arms and a smile on my face.

The only Master I know and serve, lies within me. I have pledged my loyalty and life to Her. I will serve Her until Death strikes me black. Who She is, what She is, is clear. She's my Emotion. 

She lurks inside me, flowing freely inside my body, residing in my bones, pumping me my blood. She is the Shadow that follows my every more, the Words that come out of my mouth, the Thoughts that formulate inside my head. She is my Master and forever will I be Her slave.

I know it should be the other way around and I should be the Master. It should be that I am driving the chariot, holding the rein that keeps them in line, them horses. I should be the one who is navigating what road to take, how fast to go but no, I yielded like a Knight who has no honor. I had to let go and now they're in control, going to places I have never thought of going, meeting other whom I knew nothing of. Lost in this big sea of strangers, I lived with the flow, respecting my one and true Master.

**

I have been living the life of a hypocrite and now, I shall acknowledge it as I have failed to do so long ago. I have allowed myself to be tied up in shackles and I bolted myself in a dark and small cell, enslaving my own self to which, I gave the full power of command and taking over to my emotions which has then I considered as my master. I know what I am doing is wrong, and I know that it is supposed to be the other way around, me holding up the rein, striding gallant on the chariot, driving the horses that each have represented each and every emotion that I know of but it seems to me that I have given up the rein, threw them away, discarded and lying abandonally on the dirt road miles and miles behind me. I have given up my position as the warrior, the lady, and the navigator, idling lazily on the now worn chariot letting the horses go gallop and trot to whichever place that they want to go, not minding if the pace was too slow or too quick for me to comprehend, this I will repeat until I get to my point of being the one who's driven by the horses. Like what they always say, emotions are wild horses.

My belief lies on the books that I have read. My view in life, my motto, and all those sentimental perspective on things. I borrowed them, agreed to them but never conceded. To be honest, I didn't understand them at all but I would just underline them all, ponder about it for a little while then more towards the rest of the book. Dim witted, not smart, a person that I am. Ignorant beyond no doubt and with a tongue bluntly sharp but cannot poke enough to make you bleed and feel pain like a needle. I am nothing but sorrow, nothing but pain and confusion.

Perhaps I may be over reacting, you who doesn't? Touche, I'll say and I will give the toast to all those who are like me, hypocrites, damn us all. They say every being is a unique individual, going through their puberty and saying things like, “don't compare me, I'm not like the others.”, “I'm a different person and I don't give a damn to what people say.”, “I know what I'm doing and I know the consequence that I will have to face soon.”, “I'm unique! No one will ever understand me. No one ever does!”, BLAH.

This is a hard thing for me to go through, writing this all down with honesty as my mind says otherwise. A facade, as you may, I have planned and made and I promised myself to remain on guard and not let people come near me but I, for instance, have defeated the purpose of the wearing of masks, facades, a Truthful Masquerade as you might put it, a play of irony and sarcasm and these are the only things I'm good at. Not to brag about it but think of me as an arrogant person, but I have to say that I am completely proud of it. Ego, yes. Pride, yes. Call me names if you wish, nothing can stop me, no one can stop me, you, of all people, cannot and won't be able to stop me.

Let's just say that people change, given as a universal law, the only thing that is constant is change. Even the world changes, the people within it, even its physical aspect. The whole universe is bound to change whether we like it or not. We have to accept the fact that change is everywhere, change is the air we breathe, change is what we eat that fuels our every single identity. I change, too and I believe I instigated a foundation of a new change within me. People always say that we change for the better, but I really doubt it this time with me. This change will do me no good yet I want to accept it with my whole heart. This is my own prerogative, my own choice for a change and I will do nothing to stop it, I will do anything to keep myself away from not changing.

The consequence that I will soon have to face might not be good. It will twist my mind and turn me even more bitter and indifferent but I just don't care anymore. I have been focusing too much in analyzing and logically comparing and drawing out examples through endless cliches from around the world but nonetheless, I like doing it though. I'm not exactly planning to change for the better, to reach out to be happy. I'm done with it already and I have given up.