"You see a nuclear weapon's intention isn't for protection but destruction. I'm betting that the invention has a function to determinate how much to exterminate..." -FUTURE, Dub FX
I am left-handed.
I can stay all alone in a coffee shop and feel good.
I do most things on my own. In short, I'm independent in my own way.
A friend coined me as an "alien".
A professor told me that I'm weird.
I feel as if my head is going to burst into pieces from all the thoughts inside it.
A photographer told me that I think too much.
My professor told me that I'm too idealistic.
Is this a bad thing? Is there something wrong with me? Or is it the just environment and the society? Is this happening because of all the lies that have been feed to me? All of the documentaries, films, and newspapers that have affected me and my mentality? Or is this because I'm just waking up?
I'm aware of all the crap about individual differences. I'm aware how of family upbringing, culture, society, and the environment affects a person and help an individual shape her as a growing person, a growing piece of meat with health issues because of all the chemicals and whatnot affecting her system?
I have to admit that I have so much in mind that I don't know where to focus and what to do, what exactly to think about, and, as it always has been, what to feel. Everything affects me as an individual without a huge circle of peers to talk about my insights and my whereabouts. Little talks about education, politics, religion, society, and current events fire me up, heating my body and make my brain run fast like in a marathon competing against everything that I sometimes forget that other people have the right to voice out their own opinion with freedom and explain their side.
I don't want to be biased. I don't want to have a hero-complex state of thought that might someday would grow inside me and eat me up until it can blow the balloon which is my ego for my shirts might not fit through my head and my legs would give out from the weight of it.
Yes, I will concede to the real fact that I am idealistic. It's because of all these frustrations that I have. The frustrations that I have developed from my low self esteem, from the reading materials that I immerse myself in and from my hatred towards the things that I cannot change. After all, I'm just a tiny spec of dust in this race of mankind, overshadowed by the people who are oozing and reeking with guts, name, power, intelligence, sharp wit, and so on.
I don't know what I lack, I don't know what I have and I am confused beyond doubt that I would always keep on ranting and blabbing about all of the little things that I want to change for the better. Like dreams about founding a Cancer foundation for hopeless little innocent kids, like fighting for the rights of people to promote openness in the public media, straightening out all of the wrong things in the society and what not. Justice, Peace, Equality, Freedom. All of the moral values that matter and now, the media with the magnifier, which we call the telly, are changing the views of the people on what is moral and what is not.
There is a reason why people are marching on the streets. There are reasons why people set themselves on fire. There are lots of reasons why people shout and cry out on the streets with their hearts breaking. Everyone and everything has issues of their own. Everyone have their own reasons why this and that should be like this and like that. It's all so confusing, all so biased, all having weak proofs and arguments, all having strong points that lack determination and wit and perfect analogy. Everything needs a reason like how a courtroom runs. It's always a case-to-case basis with all the norms in the society, all the taboos, and the phenomena which we have no control over.
Maybe I'll end up losing my sanity over these kind of things. Maybe I'll end up in a nut-house with lots of shrinks determining my future, enclosed in a white box of concrete and fed with hospital food that helps increase and decrease all of the wrong and right particles inside my functioning body. Maybe they'll drug me to sleep so I could stop thinking. Maybe they'll drug me with something else so that I would feel like I'm just floating in the air with my hospital gown, maybe I'm going to become a vegetable.
I want to help the world but I'm under-qualified. I lack so much in the wits department and my grades in school are like hanging on the edge towards another extended year repeating the same subjects over and over again. This is a sad thing, a total waste of money, a total waste of time. And the thoughts in my head will be like: "what to do... what to do..." "where to go... where to go..."
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