Human interest is one of the many reasons why sanity is sustained. There are many factors that contributes towards man as an individual being to form his belief on certain things and his rationality. As time goes on, manhood struggles to find their very reason of existence in this breathing planet. They have found things and regarded them as their very own life motivator to continue their path in this world. But the only think that have bothered me so far is the illusions and the wrong notions that people have gathered from different experiences, reading materials, and documentaries. They were not enlightened, but then, they were clearly blinded.
Going back to history, during the Puritan era, people fueled thier life with religion and their strong belief in the existence of the higher being, called God, who made the planet Earth, and who made them, directing their life, capable of bringing forth life and drawing it out as well. But some people went beyond and got crazed, overly engrossed that they have confused their own selves fearing only evil, misfortune, and death. But because of that, one philosopher stated that religion is an opium for the mass.
Some learned men, thought that this cannot be. The human beings are the highest form of power available in this planet. They resorted them to politics and called it power over anything that is reasonable and rational. They discredited the existence of God and turned him into an idol, believing only what is available in their eyes and devised a plan to topple down all religious body and cult around the world saying that it is pure evil, but then, if that is what happened, it clearly means that evil exists and by that, does it also mean that if there is evil, then there is also God. Isn't this a bit ironic?
Philosophical and Theological people have devoted their life trying to learn the mystery that is God himself but then what happens if Yeshua the Son of God, the only one true Saviour, and the Messiah comes running with the Holy Spirit in the picture? This can also be contradicted, given all the messianic prophecies and figures available from ages ago.
That, I don't want to comment on. People are subjected to respect everyone's own religious belief and spiritual belief and even those we have our own grounds as an individual, put in mind that the other around us holds the same as well. Living in this modern age, there is now a thin line between Politics and Religion. Political figures are now fighter over titles to become the leader of the human race, capable of changes the course of humanity disrupted by natural phenomenons but during their campaigns, one can clearly see that they have wrapped up their own religious background and pushed it inside the figure to make the people love them and think that he or she is the perfect leader capable of changing the human race for the better, which means, of course, to make them rich...with money in any form.
These political figures who are fighting over power even dragged religion into their political plans and contextualized their campaign speeches so that people will melt and believe in them. They are using power in the wrong way. They planned different kinds of propaganda campaigns and staged everything as if the masses are only puppets, slaves who would whatever the government wants them to do. Manipulation of power and the trick of the tongue became a chess board fight within these "high" people of ranking, reeking with lies and dirty money.
Many bloods have been shed, people burning and killing their own self, crying for freedom and equality, mounting on revolutions that these High People won't ever give them. The "Tatsulok" or inverted triangle mentality will always exist in this era, that people are divided between class and race. Does it really matter?
Everyone eats the same food, breathes the same kind of air, works the same job, but it's as if the lives of the people have now been altered due to the thirst of other people. They thirst for power, not knowledge, they thirst to manipulate, not spread the truth. Pride always gets in the way and egos are puffed into big black holes inside their brains.
Even the media is reeked with lies and full of biases, siding a certain political figure, hiding his bad side and making up stories of his goodness and his intelligence. Wit and knowledge level is measured through numbers, numbers that don't really mean a thing. Now people are trying to be one of the High Ones, working their asses off the wrong way, and in the end, what? They still die like any other living being in the world.
Is this a life worth living?
Friday, November 25, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Cynic and Fairy Tales
Cynical-
Adjective
Only one word made sense though: distrustful.
I can make it sound like this is about politics but then this isn't going to be a political analysis regarding the people's cynical perspective against the government's whereabouts. In fact, I think I'd rather dwell on a simple micro-level perspective of a human individual than do so but I must admit that this is rather quite tedious and well, very confusing and blunt.
I'll summon up what's left inside this head of mine and try to adhere with the definition that I have picked above and fully wrap myself in it like a journalist, writing an article with over 400 bloody words out of a few given details.
Fairytales have ruined a lot of people's childhood. They made other girls daydream about things that do not actually exist. These girls would eventually end up thinking that they can become a princess, have a silly stick grasped in their right hand which they call a magic wand, a fairy, a mermaid, or any of those blasted fairytale folk available and spoon-fed to them by these creators of art and creativity spun nicely by the help of the human mind, when they grow up but sorry to cut the strings- this just won't happen or ever will.
Sure, I've been through my childhood, I've been engrossed with these fairytales and to some point, I was one of the girls, wishing that I can become a mermaid. I've read hard bounded books and collections about Cinderella, Snow White, Little Mermaid, The Princess and the Frog, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, etc., and different versions even!
What can I do? I was a little child then, and a girl, for god's sakes! Don't glare at me like you didn't go through your childhood fantasies as well. If you're a boy then you probably dreamt of becoming a knight or a prince defeating a large and ferocious fire breathing dragon and a knight in a shining armor, siting up on a large and gallant horse, saving and sweeping the love of your life off her feet.
I know that this is just like one of those cliche crap when you found out that Santa Claus is not real, that he's just your dad who made an excuse one Christmas night to dump the garbage outside but actually went to dress himself up as Santa Claus and trudged inside your house faking a merry "ho-ho-ho" but son, "ho" right now, actually means "whore".
The fairytales we know are twisted and revised to have a happy ending in the end of it but if you take a good look and spare some bit of your time to know the truth about an exact story, you might as well stare in shock, horror, or amusement that a happy ending never really did exist.Just like how Cinderella's evil stepsisters cut some flesh of their foot just so the glass slipper would fit them, like how Sleeping beauty was raped, and like how the Little Mermaid we knew became a bubble of nothingness and disappeared in the sea along with the waves.
I can think of a reasonable amount of cliche examples right now starting with novels, songs, and movies. Typical. But anyway, we don't always stay in our childhood. As time goes by, we experience change within and outside our body. The world itself also experience these changes, and we are one factor that have brought upon the change in this world.We then learn that there are a lot of good books beside the fairytales that have molded our childhood.
From fairytales, girls have finally leveled up and matched it with something that can satisfy them emotionally and maturity. They discovered the power and wondrous magic of romantic comedy, romance, and chic flicks. Yes, this is another cliche, but then, it never gets old.
People have diverted to modify and re-enact childhood fairytales into a cliche Hollywood romantic films and the results are even worse! The fairytale fantasies that have ran dry and remained stagnant as the adolescent stage took place was now re-awoken because of those infuriating and eye rolling chic flicks, (thank you, Katherine Heigl, for lying, thank you, Kristen Stewart, for being such a flirt, thank you, Julia Stiles for falling in love with a prince, etc., etc.) that have consumed and turned such intelligent girls into nit-wits and twats, working their way out to have a perfect face, spending money on make-ups and funny looking dresses, and completely ignoring all the good foods around them just so they can have the perfect hourglass shaped body, basing their life on movies and acting as if they're the lead characters. *Pukes.
And thanks to you, Taylor freaking Swift, for evoking tthe power of your crappy Romeo and Juliet song and those stupid shallow songs with irritating lyrics and your face is just so stiff! I know you have a reputation to uphold, but seriously, you're just adding up to the problem why girls right now are like zombies, making them feel a false feeling using the Doctrine of Ethos and stirring up to mess their heads to become so shallow. I mean, hey, your songs are love songs but I daresay that love is not just a simple thing that you can express in such a funny and shallow way, I mean look at the guys from Coldplay, from Snow Patrol, from Indie scenes. They have more sense than you have but why are you so famous than them? Is it because of your good looks? I don't think so. Maybe you brewed a perfume and enchanted the people with it? (Thank god, I wasn't affected.) Girls end up listening to your songs on hours and end, dancing and singing at the top of their lungs along with the beat but after a few hours, like perfume, it just vanishes, leaving them feeling more engrossed and, I don't know, maybe hopeless?
Now, look at the world, everyone's like brainwashed already and now teens have resorted to some crappy vampire fantasies, (no offense, Stephanie Meyer, but really, it just sucks but how can I blame you? I mean, it would defeat the purpose of you being a writer and that's how you make your money, right?) making girls dream that someday, on a full moon , one dashing and mysterious looking man would appear inside their room, skin cold as ice, eyes burning shades of ember, and sparkling?!, and leave them with vampire marks on their necks. *Vomits!
Seriously, can things get anymore twisted?! I guess I'm just too cynical and very ignorant on this matter but then again, this is my opinion and I have to admit, with a heavy heart, that I have to accept and respect the likes of the people around me. I mean, I can't blame them for liking Harry Potter and making laughable fanfictions out of it, it's their own choice and it's what makes them happy or it even relaxes them as they daydream and think about what plot are they going to make to come up with the most amazing story, ever!
What grounds and reasons do I have to insult such people like those I have mentioned above? I guess none. I'm not even famous of something but I believe in the power of the human individuality, not afraid to voice out what I have inside my head even though I'll get criticized and hated. It just doesn't matter anymore. Everyone has hater, and I'm one of your haters, girls. Democracy it is!
I guess I have diverted away from what I have promised to write about but then, I'm me and I can't help it. I'm a cynic, who doesn't believe in such funny fairytales but I do believe that one day, my other half would take me and sweep me off my feet and we'll have our own twisted ending together. Someday... and don't even make me start about soulmates. This might go on forever.
Adjective
- Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
- Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.
Only one word made sense though: distrustful.
I can make it sound like this is about politics but then this isn't going to be a political analysis regarding the people's cynical perspective against the government's whereabouts. In fact, I think I'd rather dwell on a simple micro-level perspective of a human individual than do so but I must admit that this is rather quite tedious and well, very confusing and blunt.
I'll summon up what's left inside this head of mine and try to adhere with the definition that I have picked above and fully wrap myself in it like a journalist, writing an article with over 400 bloody words out of a few given details.
Fairytales have ruined a lot of people's childhood. They made other girls daydream about things that do not actually exist. These girls would eventually end up thinking that they can become a princess, have a silly stick grasped in their right hand which they call a magic wand, a fairy, a mermaid, or any of those blasted fairytale folk available and spoon-fed to them by these creators of art and creativity spun nicely by the help of the human mind, when they grow up but sorry to cut the strings- this just won't happen or ever will.
Sure, I've been through my childhood, I've been engrossed with these fairytales and to some point, I was one of the girls, wishing that I can become a mermaid. I've read hard bounded books and collections about Cinderella, Snow White, Little Mermaid, The Princess and the Frog, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, etc., and different versions even!
What can I do? I was a little child then, and a girl, for god's sakes! Don't glare at me like you didn't go through your childhood fantasies as well. If you're a boy then you probably dreamt of becoming a knight or a prince defeating a large and ferocious fire breathing dragon and a knight in a shining armor, siting up on a large and gallant horse, saving and sweeping the love of your life off her feet.
I know that this is just like one of those cliche crap when you found out that Santa Claus is not real, that he's just your dad who made an excuse one Christmas night to dump the garbage outside but actually went to dress himself up as Santa Claus and trudged inside your house faking a merry "ho-ho-ho" but son, "ho" right now, actually means "whore".
The fairytales we know are twisted and revised to have a happy ending in the end of it but if you take a good look and spare some bit of your time to know the truth about an exact story, you might as well stare in shock, horror, or amusement that a happy ending never really did exist.Just like how Cinderella's evil stepsisters cut some flesh of their foot just so the glass slipper would fit them, like how Sleeping beauty was raped, and like how the Little Mermaid we knew became a bubble of nothingness and disappeared in the sea along with the waves.
I can think of a reasonable amount of cliche examples right now starting with novels, songs, and movies. Typical. But anyway, we don't always stay in our childhood. As time goes by, we experience change within and outside our body. The world itself also experience these changes, and we are one factor that have brought upon the change in this world.We then learn that there are a lot of good books beside the fairytales that have molded our childhood.
From fairytales, girls have finally leveled up and matched it with something that can satisfy them emotionally and maturity. They discovered the power and wondrous magic of romantic comedy, romance, and chic flicks. Yes, this is another cliche, but then, it never gets old.
People have diverted to modify and re-enact childhood fairytales into a cliche Hollywood romantic films and the results are even worse! The fairytale fantasies that have ran dry and remained stagnant as the adolescent stage took place was now re-awoken because of those infuriating and eye rolling chic flicks, (thank you, Katherine Heigl, for lying, thank you, Kristen Stewart, for being such a flirt, thank you, Julia Stiles for falling in love with a prince, etc., etc.) that have consumed and turned such intelligent girls into nit-wits and twats, working their way out to have a perfect face, spending money on make-ups and funny looking dresses, and completely ignoring all the good foods around them just so they can have the perfect hourglass shaped body, basing their life on movies and acting as if they're the lead characters. *Pukes.
And thanks to you, Taylor freaking Swift, for evoking tthe power of your crappy Romeo and Juliet song and those stupid shallow songs with irritating lyrics and your face is just so stiff! I know you have a reputation to uphold, but seriously, you're just adding up to the problem why girls right now are like zombies, making them feel a false feeling using the Doctrine of Ethos and stirring up to mess their heads to become so shallow. I mean, hey, your songs are love songs but I daresay that love is not just a simple thing that you can express in such a funny and shallow way, I mean look at the guys from Coldplay, from Snow Patrol, from Indie scenes. They have more sense than you have but why are you so famous than them? Is it because of your good looks? I don't think so. Maybe you brewed a perfume and enchanted the people with it? (Thank god, I wasn't affected.) Girls end up listening to your songs on hours and end, dancing and singing at the top of their lungs along with the beat but after a few hours, like perfume, it just vanishes, leaving them feeling more engrossed and, I don't know, maybe hopeless?
Now, look at the world, everyone's like brainwashed already and now teens have resorted to some crappy vampire fantasies, (no offense, Stephanie Meyer, but really, it just sucks but how can I blame you? I mean, it would defeat the purpose of you being a writer and that's how you make your money, right?) making girls dream that someday, on a full moon , one dashing and mysterious looking man would appear inside their room, skin cold as ice, eyes burning shades of ember, and sparkling?!, and leave them with vampire marks on their necks. *Vomits!
Seriously, can things get anymore twisted?! I guess I'm just too cynical and very ignorant on this matter but then again, this is my opinion and I have to admit, with a heavy heart, that I have to accept and respect the likes of the people around me. I mean, I can't blame them for liking Harry Potter and making laughable fanfictions out of it, it's their own choice and it's what makes them happy or it even relaxes them as they daydream and think about what plot are they going to make to come up with the most amazing story, ever!
What grounds and reasons do I have to insult such people like those I have mentioned above? I guess none. I'm not even famous of something but I believe in the power of the human individuality, not afraid to voice out what I have inside my head even though I'll get criticized and hated. It just doesn't matter anymore. Everyone has hater, and I'm one of your haters, girls. Democracy it is!
I guess I have diverted away from what I have promised to write about but then, I'm me and I can't help it. I'm a cynic, who doesn't believe in such funny fairytales but I do believe that one day, my other half would take me and sweep me off my feet and we'll have our own twisted ending together. Someday... and don't even make me start about soulmates. This might go on forever.
Friday, November 18, 2011
The Life I Live
The darkness is working its way to paint the canvas bright gray sky. Soon enough, dark will fall and the wind will howl with a little promise of rain that will cause the ground to emit an earthly smell that will remind the people in this industrialized age that the earth is to be heralded and nurtured.
Soon, the people in this side of the world will retire to their own respectable residences and rest along with the people around them while on the other side of the world, people will abandon their beds and go out of their quarters and allow the bright yellow sun to dance on their skin.
Now my heart is beating from the dazed state I'm in, perplexed and worried about what to do with my life at school. I seem to have missed a lot of classes and I know that it's half my fault and the other one is the fault of my bloody alarm clock that have seemed to stopped its duty to wake me up on ungodly hours.
I admit that I miss the old routine of my life that was full of bliss and purity, waking up before dawn to go over my meditation and chanting and doing it again before I go to sleep. I miss the food that I used to eat strictly without the tinge of blood or veins in it and therefore I have cleansed my body on such unwanted dirt made by human hands.
My physical body is out of tone now given the busy and lazy lifestyle that have, depriving me of bliss and good flow of air and blood inside my human body. I miss the life where I would go on and read about the Vedic scriptures that have piqued my interest and brought me to the other side of the world, full of mystique possibilities that can happen in an individual's life but now I'm stagnant.
I'm stagnant like a sea of flood showered upon by the heavens to the land of the mortals with no path or tunnel to go. Stagnant, smelly, and dirty like a canal water that have remained, touched by impurities in a carved hollow earth. My vices are to be blamed, consisted of the heavy smoke billowed about by the crushed and dried tobaccos wrapped in a stick and the damned bottles containing alcohol that can make you do things that will make you regret after consuming it.
I know this is purely typical in the world of mortals, indifferent and ignorant about the life that they're in, shadowed and veiled by confusion. People work their asses off, making money and wasting it. Is that the whole reason of their existence in this world? I hope not.
How about those damned religious fanatics who remained on grounds and ignorant as well at what they believe in? Living life like a martyr and following the foots steps of a man they have never seen? They are too crowded and locked in their own little heads, believing that religion can save them but alas not, I daresay, that it is their own and very faith that will push them up above to Nirvana, or the Pearly Gates, or whatever you may call the place of pure happiness and contentment.
I don't want to go on and talk about life since I'm just starting my journey. I am young, just slightly contented and wary about the world, not knowing what kind of life I would lead on after a few years that will some to pass by in a blink of an eye.
People are subjective to change and so, there is no consistency and assurance. If things for me will change in the future, then so be it.
Soon, the people in this side of the world will retire to their own respectable residences and rest along with the people around them while on the other side of the world, people will abandon their beds and go out of their quarters and allow the bright yellow sun to dance on their skin.
Now my heart is beating from the dazed state I'm in, perplexed and worried about what to do with my life at school. I seem to have missed a lot of classes and I know that it's half my fault and the other one is the fault of my bloody alarm clock that have seemed to stopped its duty to wake me up on ungodly hours.
I admit that I miss the old routine of my life that was full of bliss and purity, waking up before dawn to go over my meditation and chanting and doing it again before I go to sleep. I miss the food that I used to eat strictly without the tinge of blood or veins in it and therefore I have cleansed my body on such unwanted dirt made by human hands.
My physical body is out of tone now given the busy and lazy lifestyle that have, depriving me of bliss and good flow of air and blood inside my human body. I miss the life where I would go on and read about the Vedic scriptures that have piqued my interest and brought me to the other side of the world, full of mystique possibilities that can happen in an individual's life but now I'm stagnant.
I'm stagnant like a sea of flood showered upon by the heavens to the land of the mortals with no path or tunnel to go. Stagnant, smelly, and dirty like a canal water that have remained, touched by impurities in a carved hollow earth. My vices are to be blamed, consisted of the heavy smoke billowed about by the crushed and dried tobaccos wrapped in a stick and the damned bottles containing alcohol that can make you do things that will make you regret after consuming it.
I know this is purely typical in the world of mortals, indifferent and ignorant about the life that they're in, shadowed and veiled by confusion. People work their asses off, making money and wasting it. Is that the whole reason of their existence in this world? I hope not.
How about those damned religious fanatics who remained on grounds and ignorant as well at what they believe in? Living life like a martyr and following the foots steps of a man they have never seen? They are too crowded and locked in their own little heads, believing that religion can save them but alas not, I daresay, that it is their own and very faith that will push them up above to Nirvana, or the Pearly Gates, or whatever you may call the place of pure happiness and contentment.
I don't want to go on and talk about life since I'm just starting my journey. I am young, just slightly contented and wary about the world, not knowing what kind of life I would lead on after a few years that will some to pass by in a blink of an eye.
People are subjective to change and so, there is no consistency and assurance. If things for me will change in the future, then so be it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Journal 1
My life consisted of constant reading, heavy smoking, coffee inducement, and of course, writing until my fingers and hand would ache but then, I don't mind.
I am a Sophomore college student in a conservative and strict Catholic University as I have been on my past years of education. What's funny is that given the fact that I'm not very religious and I do not comply to the observances and daily routines of a Catholic person, yet here I am, educated in a Catholic institutions with obligatory Catholic subjects that I have to go through every single year.
Anyway, I know I have my own individual rights to voice out my own opinion about religion but this is not the right time to do it and I'm not in the right position and grounds to say anything against the Catholic and its people.
Right now I don't really know where this writing will take me. My Muse didn't arrive even though I was pumped up since hours ago to write. I've been waiting for her since like forever with my Black buddy, emitting smoke from its white and slender body. Anyway, I'm done with my guilty pleasure. Yeay! Although I just finished reading one, I can say that I'm not addicted to it any longer. Unlike before that I would like, stop everything and read until my eyes would burn and itch, not caring if I stayed up until dawn or something.
I have to say that I'm a nocturnal being. Given that I love the moon, the night sky, and the stars, I cannot just stop myself from doing nothing and go directly to sleep. I mean, I used to love sleeping more than anything else and right now I still do but damn, staying up late at night is taking it's toll on me and my education has to suffer!
I've been skipping my morning classes since that start of the second semester just to sleep in until noon or even until the dark is about to bite! I feel like an agent at a call center doing the graveyard shift! The reason why I stay up at night is because I want to get my body used to being up at night to study and make sure that the lessons at classes are stuck inside my head but sadly, I entertained a lot of distractions and they are keeping me away from opening my notes from school.
What the heck, I mean, I'm not the only one who's doing this, right? I guess there are a lot of people who are like me and it just so happen that I don't really know them. They might be miles away from me or they might be stuck in another country.
Anyway, I do have to go to sleep. Class at 0800 am tomorrow. Phew. I wish tomorrow, I mean, today is a Saturday so I could just sleep in without having time hot on my heels.
I am a Sophomore college student in a conservative and strict Catholic University as I have been on my past years of education. What's funny is that given the fact that I'm not very religious and I do not comply to the observances and daily routines of a Catholic person, yet here I am, educated in a Catholic institutions with obligatory Catholic subjects that I have to go through every single year.
Anyway, I know I have my own individual rights to voice out my own opinion about religion but this is not the right time to do it and I'm not in the right position and grounds to say anything against the Catholic and its people.
Right now I don't really know where this writing will take me. My Muse didn't arrive even though I was pumped up since hours ago to write. I've been waiting for her since like forever with my Black buddy, emitting smoke from its white and slender body. Anyway, I'm done with my guilty pleasure. Yeay! Although I just finished reading one, I can say that I'm not addicted to it any longer. Unlike before that I would like, stop everything and read until my eyes would burn and itch, not caring if I stayed up until dawn or something.
I have to say that I'm a nocturnal being. Given that I love the moon, the night sky, and the stars, I cannot just stop myself from doing nothing and go directly to sleep. I mean, I used to love sleeping more than anything else and right now I still do but damn, staying up late at night is taking it's toll on me and my education has to suffer!
I've been skipping my morning classes since that start of the second semester just to sleep in until noon or even until the dark is about to bite! I feel like an agent at a call center doing the graveyard shift! The reason why I stay up at night is because I want to get my body used to being up at night to study and make sure that the lessons at classes are stuck inside my head but sadly, I entertained a lot of distractions and they are keeping me away from opening my notes from school.
What the heck, I mean, I'm not the only one who's doing this, right? I guess there are a lot of people who are like me and it just so happen that I don't really know them. They might be miles away from me or they might be stuck in another country.
Anyway, I do have to go to sleep. Class at 0800 am tomorrow. Phew. I wish tomorrow, I mean, today is a Saturday so I could just sleep in without having time hot on my heels.
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Sequel
My history consisted of: Puberty+ Suicidal Attempts & Rock Songs+
Rebellion+ Angst+ Obsessive -Compulsive Buying Disorder+ Anti-Psychotic
& Anti-Depressant Pills+ Apostacy+ Peer Problems+ Teenage Labels
& Stereotyping+ Late Night Parties+ Indifference= Making A
Statement.
Pretty cliched? Or pretty familiar?
But seriously, I think it was mainly about “Gnothi Seauton”. You know, knowing myself and who am I, what’s my purpose, why do I exist? Blah. Because of that, I became a “suki” in my school’s Guidance Counseling Office where I shouted, threw a fit, laughed, cried (always), bit my lower lip in guilt and upon going out, of course: the usual new wave of sunny perspective and fresh air that it’s not always too late to change.
When I was in elementary, it was my favorite ENGLISH teacher who saved me.
When I was in high school, it was my favorite ENGLISH teacher who gave me my very wet wake up call: I was late in getting the exams because I went to Singapore to “clear my mind & get away” from school. So I took special exams and by the time Sir Boy gave me my English test paper, it consisted of my usual long essay, low score and well, a little note for me:
Tami,
Indifference and laziness will take it’s toll upon you… I am so concerned about you because you are so “gifted” yet you are not using it for your future. WAKE UP!
Sir Boy
And before I knew it, I was crying right in front of my girlfriends. Now, let’s see what will happen in College.
I graduated in high school without any major awards to be proud of. I actually had a messy graduation, due to the fact that I was called in the Principal’s office because of MATH. But boy! My wide smile erupted when Sir Boy published 3 articles that I wrote and made by heart in compliance to my English class. He took out my projects and published it on our school’s official publication paper and guess what, I actually had a full page back to back spot about my testimony that having “12 fingers” is nothing to be ashamed of.
Now you see, I was an Hija from Hijas, an Angelican from Angelicum, and now, I am a Paulinian from St. Paul University. Pretty religious and Catholic, right? But now I guess you’ve heard how much I abhor and rattle about anything that is religious and Catholic. Just ask my Rel Ed teachers. (Mind you, why did they named it as “Religious Education” when in fact they only teach about anything that is purely Catholic? It should be named Catholic Education or something.)
If you believe in such things as third eyes, auras, premonitions, precognitions, etc., I’m the one to talk to.
Before you continue reading, PLEASE DON’T FREAK OUT.
I’ve had my fair share of people freaking out and mumbling how weird I am.
My 6th sense WAS pretty much active. I used to see people, beings, I used to hear them call me, and
they’re always with me. Well, they’re actually around us. Even right now. Yeap. Right at this very moment. (Oh dear, I hope you’re with someone. Your cats can actually see ‘em.)
Want to hear more?
Shocker: I am very active in dreamland which I refer to as the “Other World”.
I have talked to St. Dominic. I was kneeling in front of him then, he suddenly MOVED. Have you seen the book he’s always holding? Well, you might envy me because he actually let me read it, being the bookworm that I am.
The book was in an ancient language, duh, and guess what. I have read it fluently and that I have actually understood it! My, the earthquake right outside the church stopped as soon as I have stopped reading the paragraph which he instructed me to read.
And Yeshua. Yeap, THE Jesus. I was with him too, twice, actually. When I met him he was nailed on his cross but he was pretty clean, without the cuts, blood, and the bruises. Without the thorns, even. He smiled and gave me a small silver globe with a cross on the top of it. What is it? It felt so real that I had to transport back to “This World”.
My mom knew everything about it, in fact, she was even with me during my battles that I have bluntly told her that there was demon lurking on the wall.
Have you ever experienced that your soul was being pulled out from your body? Literally. I did! It only stopped when “someone” touched my forehead and there was a blinding light which came from nowhere then the pulling out stopped. That’s when I stopped seeing things and hearing them.
Oh, and I can tell the future, well, just a wee bit of it. My mom actually accused me of eavesdropping one time because I told her something that’s not supposed to be something that I should know about. But of course, it also came with advantages. I get to warn my family if something’s going to happen. Like one time I dreamt of a really big fire and later that afternoon, oh gods, some building here in Iloilo are burning down.
Strange, huh?
Coming to the “light” part: I started doing yoga, I became a strict vegetarian, and I started doing crazy meditations and chanting in Sanskrit before I got to bed and before Apollo would come out and drive his golden chariot up the sky to wake up half of the globe. It was pretty nice, I recommend it. I became radiant and blooming (char!), I became healthy too. But then college.
Holy Molly.
College had to ruin it. Or should I say that I allowed college to ruin it. Then, that leads us to:
Bang Bang: Apostacy
Faith is a rational weapon, more powerful than any implement of war ever made by man. A mass of dead people are walking in this Earth, eating with me, living with me, laughing with me, conversing with me. My thoughts about this matter are beyond words. I am an apostate.
Pretty cliched? Or pretty familiar?
But seriously, I think it was mainly about “Gnothi Seauton”. You know, knowing myself and who am I, what’s my purpose, why do I exist? Blah. Because of that, I became a “suki” in my school’s Guidance Counseling Office where I shouted, threw a fit, laughed, cried (always), bit my lower lip in guilt and upon going out, of course: the usual new wave of sunny perspective and fresh air that it’s not always too late to change.
When I was in elementary, it was my favorite ENGLISH teacher who saved me.
When I was in high school, it was my favorite ENGLISH teacher who gave me my very wet wake up call: I was late in getting the exams because I went to Singapore to “clear my mind & get away” from school. So I took special exams and by the time Sir Boy gave me my English test paper, it consisted of my usual long essay, low score and well, a little note for me:
Tami,
Indifference and laziness will take it’s toll upon you… I am so concerned about you because you are so “gifted” yet you are not using it for your future. WAKE UP!
Sir Boy
And before I knew it, I was crying right in front of my girlfriends. Now, let’s see what will happen in College.
I graduated in high school without any major awards to be proud of. I actually had a messy graduation, due to the fact that I was called in the Principal’s office because of MATH. But boy! My wide smile erupted when Sir Boy published 3 articles that I wrote and made by heart in compliance to my English class. He took out my projects and published it on our school’s official publication paper and guess what, I actually had a full page back to back spot about my testimony that having “12 fingers” is nothing to be ashamed of.
Now you see, I was an Hija from Hijas, an Angelican from Angelicum, and now, I am a Paulinian from St. Paul University. Pretty religious and Catholic, right? But now I guess you’ve heard how much I abhor and rattle about anything that is religious and Catholic. Just ask my Rel Ed teachers. (Mind you, why did they named it as “Religious Education” when in fact they only teach about anything that is purely Catholic? It should be named Catholic Education or something.)
If you believe in such things as third eyes, auras, premonitions, precognitions, etc., I’m the one to talk to.
Before you continue reading, PLEASE DON’T FREAK OUT.
I’ve had my fair share of people freaking out and mumbling how weird I am.
My 6th sense WAS pretty much active. I used to see people, beings, I used to hear them call me, and
they’re always with me. Well, they’re actually around us. Even right now. Yeap. Right at this very moment. (Oh dear, I hope you’re with someone. Your cats can actually see ‘em.)
Want to hear more?
Shocker: I am very active in dreamland which I refer to as the “Other World”.
I have talked to St. Dominic. I was kneeling in front of him then, he suddenly MOVED. Have you seen the book he’s always holding? Well, you might envy me because he actually let me read it, being the bookworm that I am.
The book was in an ancient language, duh, and guess what. I have read it fluently and that I have actually understood it! My, the earthquake right outside the church stopped as soon as I have stopped reading the paragraph which he instructed me to read.
And Yeshua. Yeap, THE Jesus. I was with him too, twice, actually. When I met him he was nailed on his cross but he was pretty clean, without the cuts, blood, and the bruises. Without the thorns, even. He smiled and gave me a small silver globe with a cross on the top of it. What is it? It felt so real that I had to transport back to “This World”.
My mom knew everything about it, in fact, she was even with me during my battles that I have bluntly told her that there was demon lurking on the wall.
Have you ever experienced that your soul was being pulled out from your body? Literally. I did! It only stopped when “someone” touched my forehead and there was a blinding light which came from nowhere then the pulling out stopped. That’s when I stopped seeing things and hearing them.
Oh, and I can tell the future, well, just a wee bit of it. My mom actually accused me of eavesdropping one time because I told her something that’s not supposed to be something that I should know about. But of course, it also came with advantages. I get to warn my family if something’s going to happen. Like one time I dreamt of a really big fire and later that afternoon, oh gods, some building here in Iloilo are burning down.
Strange, huh?
Coming to the “light” part: I started doing yoga, I became a strict vegetarian, and I started doing crazy meditations and chanting in Sanskrit before I got to bed and before Apollo would come out and drive his golden chariot up the sky to wake up half of the globe. It was pretty nice, I recommend it. I became radiant and blooming (char!), I became healthy too. But then college.
Holy Molly.
College had to ruin it. Or should I say that I allowed college to ruin it. Then, that leads us to:
Bang Bang: Apostacy
Faith is a rational weapon, more powerful than any implement of war ever made by man. A mass of dead people are walking in this Earth, eating with me, living with me, laughing with me, conversing with me. My thoughts about this matter are beyond words. I am an apostate.
I believed. I yielded. I learned. I deviated. Am I to be considered
dead as well? i was raised as a Catholic, papers and act. I came from a
family of devout Catholic believers. I was educated in Catholic
institutions. I went to Catholic events and took part in its religious
practices. I saw the Redeemer in my dreams. I talked to saints in my
dreams. Then I became an apostate, a turn-coated rat.
Now I find myself extremely liable for my own accounts on
whatsoever that is veiling this huge and revolving breathing sphere.
Noticeably, I just earned myself a label that will soon provide no
significant memory as each day would pass and die. As an apostate, what
will become of me? A quisling capable of ruining my own youth?
Rotting in hell is a rational and sensible thought to give me the
creeps for a moment but then, what comes next? If faith is rational,
then so is fear. A biological being I may be, wandering this world with
auras of things and emotions that my eyes cannot see, am I still subject
to feel fear? Am I not exempted t be saved when the so called Rapture
is transparently roving the face of this momentarily living planet?
I am an apostate, self-proclaimed. I lie. I laugh. I trick. I fool
mt own self, utterly lacking the beliefs that was presented to me by my
family, my alma matter, my mentors, and the last priest who heard my
awful deviation during my last desireless and regurgitated confession on
the holy grounds of a sacred and antiquated Catholic colony.
I looked up, today, at the crying sky and saw a big man looking at me.
He had a gun and he pointed the weapon at me.
Bang. Bang.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Dean
We were alone for a while in your office.
You asked me, no. You demanded me, in a nice way, that I should write I letter of promise to you and I obliged. So there I was, sitting on a chair and writing the letter on a clean sheet of bond paper on your desk.
You, on the other hand, was facing your computing, typing away a thesis as you once in a while look at the bounded thesis propped open on the table beside you.
Silence emanated. My heart was thumping as your fingers pounded on the keyboard. It was an awkward moment. Well, for me it was.
I really forgot who broke the silence but my instincts right now are telling me that I was the one who spoke first.
You see, I really felt nervous that time. Okay, I admit that I was already nervous before that.
Right after class, I went to my favorite legit coffee shop called Madge which is located inside the La Paz market. I had my usual glass of iced coffee and I was reading the Time magazine and a novel titled Emma simultaneously.
Between 0500pm to 0530pm, I received an SMS from Eddyl. He asked me where I was and so I replied to him. After a couple of seconds, he replied and told me that I should go to Brew that very moment because you're looking for me.
Perplexity showered me that very moment so I jumped out of my chair, grabbed my things and went to the counter to pay and I made my way out of the market. It was drizzling that time and the jeepneys as well as the private vehicles are moving so slow.
I took a La Paz jeep, hoping for the little traffic jam to subside. I was unloaded at the loading and unloading area and I found myself brisk walking towards Brew.
When I was still inside the jeepney, a battle was going on inside my head.
"Why do you want to see me?"
"Probably it's about my grades and poor performance at school."
"No, probably it's about my tremendous amount of skipping classes."
"Still, what is it about?"
Or worse yet:
"Did I win an award or something?"
"Am I invited to a very important seminar or something?"
"Am I gonna represent the school for something"
Foolish of me.
My head was thumping hard and I really really felt nervous, I feel like choking.
Anyway, I arrived at Brew and quickly found Eddyl, Therese, and L.A aka Mangyan.
I asked Eddyl why did you call for me and he said that you wanted to talk to me about something at around 0645pm.
Oh shoot.
A stampede inside my head occurred again and one thought popped out:
"Did you found out about my family problem?"
"The transferring of school?"
"The QUITTING of school?"
Yadda. Yadda.
So, since 0645pm was still ages away, I decided to eat so I ordered.
I opened the novel and started to read but I slammed it shut. I just couldn't read!
I took the Time magazine out from my white folder and started to read, I just can't!
I talked to Eddyl. Laughed.
I blabbered to Therese. I shut up.
Food came and my god! I ate like a hungry fool while reading the Time magazine.
So the time came and I walked with Eddyl and L.A to school under the cloak of darkness.
I am a fast walker but this time, I was walking slow behind the two of them and I have to say that I had to put out a big effort just for me to walk slow. It's so hard and energy draining. No wonder models walk fast.
We arrived at St. Joseph building and climbed up the stairs to your office. The Mangyan came in first and Eddyl had to make a leak. After leaking, he went in. He closed the door.
I was left outside. It was my choice. I leaned my side on the wall next to your door, battling when to come in.
Screw it!
I went in and I felt really really awkward that I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Then the boys left and it was just the two of us.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
So, as I was saying, we talked for a while then we stopped.
Awkward.
Then, I decided to tell you something about me.
Now, I know that you saw the SUDDEN change in my face, right?
You saw the weight that I was carrying, not unless you're insensitive but then I know for a fact that you're not. You're actually good at "reading" people, being into Theater and such.
You see, I had no one to talk to. Yeap. No one. It isn't indifference nor introvert-ism but it was my prerogative not to tell anyone about it. I can't seem to find the RIGHT person to talk to and I just can't find the right words to say.
But then, there I was, sitting in your blue green chair, talking to you, while trying to push down the walls I have inside my heart and barriers around the portion where my spoiled emotions settle.
So what I did was, I called my horse inside my stable and let it drive my chariot of "Screw it. You're not a robot, Jazmin so stop denying that you are hurt, alone, and well, Merlins knows what."
It wasn't easy. Nope it wasn't but I feel the need to talk to you about it.
So, I started talking and just as I was in the verge of softening--
BAM!
The boys arrived!
YAY!
~bottomline: bad news never had good timing.
You asked me, no. You demanded me, in a nice way, that I should write I letter of promise to you and I obliged. So there I was, sitting on a chair and writing the letter on a clean sheet of bond paper on your desk.
You, on the other hand, was facing your computing, typing away a thesis as you once in a while look at the bounded thesis propped open on the table beside you.
Silence emanated. My heart was thumping as your fingers pounded on the keyboard. It was an awkward moment. Well, for me it was.
I really forgot who broke the silence but my instincts right now are telling me that I was the one who spoke first.
You see, I really felt nervous that time. Okay, I admit that I was already nervous before that.
Right after class, I went to my favorite legit coffee shop called Madge which is located inside the La Paz market. I had my usual glass of iced coffee and I was reading the Time magazine and a novel titled Emma simultaneously.
Between 0500pm to 0530pm, I received an SMS from Eddyl. He asked me where I was and so I replied to him. After a couple of seconds, he replied and told me that I should go to Brew that very moment because you're looking for me.
Perplexity showered me that very moment so I jumped out of my chair, grabbed my things and went to the counter to pay and I made my way out of the market. It was drizzling that time and the jeepneys as well as the private vehicles are moving so slow.
I took a La Paz jeep, hoping for the little traffic jam to subside. I was unloaded at the loading and unloading area and I found myself brisk walking towards Brew.
When I was still inside the jeepney, a battle was going on inside my head.
"Why do you want to see me?"
"Probably it's about my grades and poor performance at school."
"No, probably it's about my tremendous amount of skipping classes."
"Still, what is it about?"
Or worse yet:
"Did I win an award or something?"
"Am I invited to a very important seminar or something?"
"Am I gonna represent the school for something"
Foolish of me.
My head was thumping hard and I really really felt nervous, I feel like choking.
Anyway, I arrived at Brew and quickly found Eddyl, Therese, and L.A aka Mangyan.
I asked Eddyl why did you call for me and he said that you wanted to talk to me about something at around 0645pm.
Oh shoot.
A stampede inside my head occurred again and one thought popped out:
"Did you found out about my family problem?"
"The transferring of school?"
"The QUITTING of school?"
Yadda. Yadda.
So, since 0645pm was still ages away, I decided to eat so I ordered.
I opened the novel and started to read but I slammed it shut. I just couldn't read!
I took the Time magazine out from my white folder and started to read, I just can't!
I talked to Eddyl. Laughed.
I blabbered to Therese. I shut up.
Food came and my god! I ate like a hungry fool while reading the Time magazine.
So the time came and I walked with Eddyl and L.A to school under the cloak of darkness.
I am a fast walker but this time, I was walking slow behind the two of them and I have to say that I had to put out a big effort just for me to walk slow. It's so hard and energy draining. No wonder models walk fast.
We arrived at St. Joseph building and climbed up the stairs to your office. The Mangyan came in first and Eddyl had to make a leak. After leaking, he went in. He closed the door.
I was left outside. It was my choice. I leaned my side on the wall next to your door, battling when to come in.
Screw it!
I went in and I felt really really awkward that I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Then the boys left and it was just the two of us.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
So, as I was saying, we talked for a while then we stopped.
Awkward.
Then, I decided to tell you something about me.
Now, I know that you saw the SUDDEN change in my face, right?
You saw the weight that I was carrying, not unless you're insensitive but then I know for a fact that you're not. You're actually good at "reading" people, being into Theater and such.
You see, I had no one to talk to. Yeap. No one. It isn't indifference nor introvert-ism but it was my prerogative not to tell anyone about it. I can't seem to find the RIGHT person to talk to and I just can't find the right words to say.
But then, there I was, sitting in your blue green chair, talking to you, while trying to push down the walls I have inside my heart and barriers around the portion where my spoiled emotions settle.
So what I did was, I called my horse inside my stable and let it drive my chariot of "Screw it. You're not a robot, Jazmin so stop denying that you are hurt, alone, and well, Merlins knows what."
It wasn't easy. Nope it wasn't but I feel the need to talk to you about it.
So, I started talking and just as I was in the verge of softening--
BAM!
The boys arrived!
YAY!
~bottomline: bad news never had good timing.
Monday, October 3, 2011
A Song
How long will this go on until a night will come that I will have no tears to wipe?
How long will this go on until a night will come that I can sleep so tight?
How long will this go on until a night will come that I won't feel a weight upon my heart?
Salty as the morning breaks, forging a forced smile to etch upon my face,
Pale, my lips project, as I bit my lip to hold back the words in mind I left unsaid.
Grasp this hand again you once so held under the gazing yellow stars above.
Tell me you forgive me, inept I may be.
Tell me you forgive me and I'll never let go.
Cry, I did tonight again as I do so every single passing day.
Bleed, my heart beats only when you speak to me..
Look at me with those eyes under the gazing yellow lights.
Tell me you love me, inept I may be.
Tell me you love me and I'll never let go,
only then you'll know how you bring the color in me.
How long will this go on until a night will come that I can sleep so tight?
How long will this go on until a night will come that I won't feel a weight upon my heart?
Salty as the morning breaks, forging a forced smile to etch upon my face,
Pale, my lips project, as I bit my lip to hold back the words in mind I left unsaid.
Grasp this hand again you once so held under the gazing yellow stars above.
Tell me you forgive me, inept I may be.
Tell me you forgive me and I'll never let go.
Cry, I did tonight again as I do so every single passing day.
Bleed, my heart beats only when you speak to me..
Look at me with those eyes under the gazing yellow lights.
Tell me you love me, inept I may be.
Tell me you love me and I'll never let go,
only then you'll know how you bring the color in me.
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